Me Versus Dullness

It has been a long time since my latest piece of writing. I have not written anything ever since. It seems that my mind has stopped transferring idea and arranging words to make them readable.  I am under my worst nightmare; I am under the spell of the dullness.

I wrote actually. But those pieces that I wrote were all job-related. I spent most of my productive time to write reports as a good employee.  The effect is damaging; I am too exhausted to write what I really want.

I tried some ways to bring the mood back. I tried reading inspirational quotes from famous writers so that I could steal their undying passions to write. I remember searching them many months ago and secretly wished that the quotes would bring some magic and trigger me to write.

I also tried to expose myself to some inspirational reading materials, movies, even to people. I must admit that they moved me somehow but they failed to push me to write. I felt that the idea was there but the words just did not flow from my mind to my fingers.

Until tonight...

Well, tonight something happens. I felt 1000 times duller. The power of the dullness became so strong that made my mood swung.  I spent a few minutes lying on my bed, feeling sorry for myself.  And at one moment, I looked at my lap top and I said to myself that I had to let the words be my saviors.

I said to myself that the only way to erase the dullness is to write. So, I write and I write. My mind kept telling my finger to type more words, to delete some, to change some until I felt I could accept them and to let them live and be my voice.

After composing some paragraphs, I still feel that the dullness still linger. Even at the moment writing this paragraph, I was with a pain in my chest. The dullness filled my heart with inexplicable sadness. I could feel that my tears could fall in any minute. The dullness was all over me.

I struggled and fought hard. I fell, I bruised, I almost lost myself. I felt the pain all over my body. I write and I write. Magically, the more words that I wrote, the less pain that I felt. They somehow released my pain.

In the end, my nightmare ends. I am finally free from the spell.

However, I know one thing will not change; the dullness is always around. It will wait the perfect moment to attack me again and again. But for me, it will be another battle. I have won this time, it all matters now.